Something In The Middle

I woke up this morning and stared at my bedroom’s ceiling and walls. I do this most days.

My bedroom is never completely dark thanks to the nightlight I have in the adjoining bathroom and the parking lot light shining through the closed blinds. In the mornings, before I wake, another set of lights downstairs turn on automatically by the use of a timer. I don’t mind all of this light because when it is all added up, it still isn’t all that much light at all.

I like the time I spend laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I am in awe of how much I can see and still amazed how many details like color and texture seem to melt away in such dim light. My mind starts to wander, as it always does, back to when I was a child and how I love to be outside in the dark for the same reason.

I wanted to be a spy when I was a little girl. I love hiding in the shadows and watching other people. No one knew I was there or were they just ignoring me? Doesn’t matter, I loved that I could see so clearly in the dark.

As adults, many fear the dark and what is lurking in the shadows. We are taught that everything must be light, fluffy, and pleasantly pleasing. It is supposed to make us feel safe. It is a shame really, there is ‘real’ power in being in the shadow and observing with all the details stripped away. You can really see the essence of the things around you. And what about all who feel more comfortable in the dark, do they feel safe in the light?

I grabbed my phone and tried to take a photo of what I was seeing. I wanted to show how much you can see even when the lights were out. The first was without flash and it came out completely black. The second one, I turned the flash on and it lit up the room as if I had a light on. Neither of these photos represents what I was experiencing and I was frustrated by that.

Then it hits me, those two pictures represent how most people see the world, either it is completely dark or it flooded with light. I don’t personally like either and can only stand being immersed in them for a short amount of time. I prefer to live in a spectrum that lies between the two extremes. It gives me the flexibility to slide back and forth along the spectrum depending on my needs and moods.

I woke up this morning and stared at my bedroom’s ceiling and walls. I do this most days. I enjoy the time I have to reflect before being bombarded with the details of everyday life.